Meeting My Dad, Dennis

So, it finally came to pass. I met my biological dad, Dennis, on Tuesday, October 14, 2008. All I can say is...Wow! What a day in my life. What an absolutely beautiful day in my life. What a gift and a dream come true!

Here is the background...My dad and my mom dated briefly when they were both stationed in Germany in the Army. They were both young and it was the 60's. So, I'm grateful for their brief and "accidental" pregnancy which became known as me. Out of fear, my dad chose not to be apart of our lives after I was born. (But I want to be clear that there is no judgment on my dad for what he did when he was 21, I too made some poor choices out of fear in my late teens and early 20's...who among us hasn't.) Not too long after I was born my mom and dad lost contact with each other, and we (my mom and me) have been looking for him for since I was 15 years old. My mom raised me and then she married when I was 3 years old and her husband, Bob, legally adopted me and became my dad. Thanks Dad for making me your own and being my dad...you will always and forever be my dad.

But for many years I've always wanted to know about my biological dad and what he was like. There was also just this "wanting" to know him in order to know more about me. So, after searching for years, I finally found him on June 7th, just 2 days before my 40th birthday...and almost a week before Father's Day. What a gift it was for both of us.

Dave made the phone call and low and behold it was really him. I could hardly believe it. I was in shock and elated all at the same time, with many happy tears flowing. It was a great initial phone call/contact and then we got a follow-up email about a month later from his new wife Kathleen that they wanted to fly to Texas to meet me and my family in October. I could hardly believe it. It was more than I had ever hoped for.

So, the day finally arrived, and Dave and I went to the hotel room of my dad and new step-mom Kathleen. I was so nervous and excited, what would it be like to finally meet my dad face-to-face...something I have only thought about for numerous years. Dave knocked on the door and there he was. And we hugged, and stared at each other with delight and awe. He was so warm and tender. I thought I would be crying but I didn't, I was shocked that it didn't become a big "boo-hoo" fest. I guess I did all of that before and got a lot of the hurt out of my system leaving room for only love. So, we all went out to dinner to the Cheesecake Factory and as we walked into the restaurant, my dad put his arm around my waist and we slowly walked inside together...there I was...arm in arm with my dad. All I can say was, WOW! It was the most amazing thing. We all enjoyed getting to know each other over dinner, it was a perfect initial meeting. We all then drove back to their hotel room and looked forward to the next morning when they would come over and meet the boys.

So, Wednesday morning came and they met the boys and they thought they were beautiful, we shared some photos and showed them our home. Then later that afternoon Dennis and I got our alone time. We went to a park and sat under the pavilion as it rained on and off and talked for about 2 1/2 hours. I got to share all that I ever wanted to share with him about my life. It was beautiful getting to know my dad and hearing and accepting and loving all of him. I thanked him for my life and also shared that he too was a part of how I "turned out" regardless of him not being physically present in my life. My journey and my life was beautiful and perfect...even the hard times and pain. After we were done talking he drove me back to the house and walked me inside to meet my mother-in-law Doris, but before we unlocked the front door to enter the house, I turned around and just hugged him and we hugged for the longest time and I cried and told him how much I loved him and he just hugged me back and kissed my cheek several times. What a precious moment I will forever treasure.

The next day we, Dave and I, joined them for breakfast and then they came over that afternoon to meet my mom, Jan. We (Dennis, Kathleen, my mom and me, and the boys) all sat on the back porch and talked for about 2 hours just enjoying getting to know each other and watching the boys play in the backyard. It was a beautiful moment in my life to actually have my mom and my dad sitting down talking to one another. Something they haven't done in over 40 years. It felt so natural and normal. What a gift the two of them gave each other and gave me. One of the other greatest moments was when Dennis got up to "pitch" a ball for Caeden to hit. That was very special. It was also, just the coolest thing getting to know more about my dad and his wife Kathleen. It was a very relaxed and sweet afternoon.

Then came Caeden's 3 year birthday party. They were there the entire time and seemed to enjoy themselves, and just watching Caeden play and enjoy his party. I remember looking up at my dad when Caeden was opening his presents and my dad was just watching me and Caeden. It was the coolest thing having him there, I so longed for him to be at one of my parties growing up. It was a huge gift to have him there for me and for Caeden. All I can say was...Wow! After all the guests left, we gave Caeden his Diego Bicycle that came from all of the grandparents and he hugged and thanked them all for it. We then took our first family photo with my dad and Kathleen.

Later that afternoon, they came over to say their goodbyes to the boys and me and Dave. Then that evening I went to their hotel room to bring my dad the photo album that I had made for him and a copy of the family photo we just took in a home-made picture frame that Caeden and I made. We sat in their room just talking for a little while and then my dad walked me downstairs to say good bye. We hugged and my eyes teared, he kissed my cheek and said I love you too. I got back in the Durango and drove home to my family and kissed my boys.

It was all so perfect, we only had a few little hiccups, and once I/we all surrendered our expectations it went even better. The amount of time was perfect, it was a perfect first initial visit, and they were awesome! The week was very real and very sureal for me. I see myself in him in some ways, and it was interesting to listen to and just watch him. It was fun finding out that I'm part Croatian and hearing about my relatives that I've never met. It was neat finding out that I have my dad's hands and nose and maybe even his ears. All of it was perfect and fun. Thank you God for the perfect timing of meeting my dad. What a gift!

My view and perspective of my life since his visit is how grateful I am for all of my journey and how I was raised and the ups and downs of my life. I'm grateful for my mom, Jan who was and is the best mom there could ever be and to my dad, Bob, thank you for all that you gave me in my life. You are so special and dear to me.

There is only forgiveness, love and acceptance for my biological dad, Dennis. I'm so grateful for him. We plan on keeping in contact and plan on future visits...so until next time. Thank you to you both (Dennis & Kathleen) for helping contribute to Caeden's 1st bike. Thank you Kathleen for loving my dad so beautifully...and thank you for the beautiful necklace you gave me, I will cherish it. What a gift you are to him and to our family. Thank you Dennis, my new dad, for the gift of you and your life! It meant the world to me that you made this trip to meet me and my/your family...and I love you! Your daughter, Michelle

Caeden's New Bike

So here is our little man, Caeden, who is now 3 years old on his first ever bike ride! Go Caeden, Go! We love you!

Our First Family Bike Ride

Our first family bike ride just happened 3 nights ago and I've been wanting to write about it even since, so here it is. All I can say was that it was truly AMAZING! And how it all happened too was incredible. As of 2 weeks ago, only Dave had a bike that has been hanging upside down in our garage for almost five years, but Caeden got a really cool Diego bike for his birthday (thanks to all the grandparents), then we got a bike trailer from a neighborhood garage sale for only $3 which needed a new axle and Dave fixed it for only $8 and then a client/friend of Dave's gave him a bike to give to me (Thanks Susan!). And then...Voila! We all have two wheeled transportation!

So, the other evening, Dave worked on all the bikes, putting air in the tires and making sure all the brakes worked good and we just got some new free helmets for the boys at an outdoor fall festival the previous Saturday and we were ready to go. So, we all mounted our bikes and strapped Dash (18 months old) in the bike trailer with his little helmet on and we were off. All, I could say was "Wow! This is so awesome! We're on our first family bike ride!" It was incredible watching Caeden peddle his bike all the way to the duck park and seeing how well he did...and this was only his 3rd time really riding it. He did an amazing job and wanted to race us and be the first one to the park. Of course he won! Go Caed! And then Dash looked so sweet in the bike trailer behind Dave and looked like he really enjoyed his ride, what a sweet boy! I think what was so amazing about this whole event that caught me off guard was the fact that I was riding bicycles with "my family"...my complete family including Dave the daddy, me the mommy and our boys. I didn't ever have that as a child growing up. Now mind you, my mom was great in taking us on bike trips, and we enjoyed them but my dad never joined us, it was always just the 3 of us, and to now experience a "whole" complete family doing something fun together was so beautiful and so foreign to me. But it was "my family"...all I can say is Wow! What a gift!

And also it was amazing that our boy Caeden who "just turned" 3 years old was riding a bicycle and wanted to race me to the park...that too was mind boggling. So, to my precious sweet boys and husband, THANK YOU! I love you all sooooo much! And I look forward to riding together for many years! Thank you God for this moment! I will forever treasure it.

Intentionally Loving Myself

So here I am again today, finally journaling again...or blogging, whatever you want to call it. I've been wanting to comeback and sit and just blog and write, I've read other women's blogsites when I get that stolen moment alone in the office to browse at my leisure, but I haven't made space to come and sit intentionally until now. So, my question to myself is "Why don't you do what you know is good for your heart and just love yourself?" That's the million dollar question. Why is it so damn difficult for me just to sit and be with my thoughts and nourish myself, and journal and write. I'm reminded of a passage in a book I pick up every now and then called "Simple Abundance - A daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, where she says (I'm completely paraphrasing) loving your self does not come naturally. And I guess that does ring true for me as well. It is so much easier taking care of everyone else's needs rather than my own, especially if you(I) have been a people pleaser my whole life. So, I say all that to say...just get over yourself Michelle. Accept what it is and get over it and simply love yourself. Accept and love yourself when you blow it that day and accept and love yourself when you take a deep breath and sit down and do something that is kind and loving to/for yourself. It's all in the journey, it's all just suppose to be in this journey called life, and I am on a path of great discovery and it is becoming so beautiful each and every new day. I love ME! I've been intentionally telling myself "I love you Michelle! You Rock! You are an amazing woman! You are so Loved by God and others! You are/I am important! I am important to GOD!" Wow! just to say all that is a relief, especially because I do believe it! There is so much power in loving myself. So, today, I'm loving myself and journaling, and I'm thanking God for this moment and being very present to it and to me. What a gift, to love myself. How much more powerful will it be when I really get it and walk in it every moment of my day and life....but one moment at a time...and this moment is powerful and loving all at the same time. I love you Michelle...Thank you for this journey.

The Amazing Dash!

Dash is our amazing little man! He is busy about the house and in the video below is where I found him the other day...sitting in his drum. So sweet! It's his latest "trick." Go Dash! He is truly a wonder...and we love him sooooo much! Also, in the video you can hear his vast vocabulary.

This is my heart - To adopt a child from China

A Shout Out to My WOMEN FRIENDS!

Women friends...wow! Oh the beauty and what a powerful force to be reckoned with! I just wanted to say how thankful I am to have the women friends I have in my life. What a beautiful gift you all are to me and to the world. I'm so thankful that after breaking into this new world of "mommy-hood" that I have also found new friends to connect with and share my heart with and I am learning how to "just be me" with them. Thank you all for the gift of being you, I appreciate and need you all!

Happy Thought...Thanks Mom!

The other day I was in Caeden's room with both the boys. I was playing with Dash on Caed's bed making sure he didn't fall off and Caeden was on the floor setting up his train tracks. Dash noticed some decorative pictures on the wall and was trying to get them off the wall, I then removed one so he could safely touch it and check it out. I told Dash that I painted these pictures for him and his brother before they were both born. I then pointed out the different things on the picture telling him what each thing was, then out of the blue I hear Caeden say something, at first I thought he said something about making his trains do something, and when I repeated it to him, he shook his head no and said it again, he said, "Thanks for making that Mom." And then I realized he was thanking me for painting the pictures for their wall. I was blown away by his sweetness and thoughtfulness to thank me for that. Wow! That comment went a long way for me that day. Small things and moments like that are the greatest treasures of my life. Thanks for being you Caeden! I love you! Mommy

Being Present with the Moment Brings Me Peace

So...I'm not pregnant this month...hmmm....I was convinced I was pregnant and very shocked when I took the pregnancy test and it said "not pregnant"....then I thought, well maybe it's too soon, afterall, my period is due today...I will try again in a couple of days if my period doesn't show up, well....I took another test and it also said, "not pregnant"....hmmm...I guess I'm not pregnant, then my period arrived later that day.

I'm writing this one out because I don't want to forget this, I was very surprised by my feelings of actually "being relieved" that we weren't pregnant yet, though we are "actively" and "intentionally" trying to get pregnant...what's up with that?

So, I thought about it and I realized that I just really desired to be with my two boys, Caeden and Dash, for the moment and maybe a little while longer and to really be present with them and just enjoy them.

Also, part of my thinking of getting pregnant with our next child, baby number three, was the fact that we "plan" on adopting our fourth and fifth child after we have our third. So, in my head I was already on baby number four (hopefully a little girl from China), while I wasn't even yet pregnant with number three, it's like I skipped being present with number three hurrying to get to number four, and I was already trying to figure out where everyone was going to sleep, and how I better figure out how to get organized before baby number three arrives, let alone four and five or I'm sunk and I'm already getting a little overwhelmed. Sheesh! My self-induced insanity is exhausting to say the least.

Wow! I realized that I was so not living in the moment for NOW. Somewhere I just decided to run ahead in my head and hurry up and "work" my plan, especially because I'm getting older and we don't want to wait "too" long. (I'll be 40 next Monday...like that's some magical number.)

So, my feelings of relief were very welcome to my mind and brought much needed peace, they brought me back to the present moment of just "being" with where I am and breathing and letting go of my "plan". Whether we have more children or not, I'm truly grateful for where I am, we are, today. I am so RICH! I have two BEAUTIFUL boys with whom I'm deeply in love with and they are more than enough! And the other children will come when they are suppose to, but for right now I'm at peace and truly savoring absolutely every moment with Caeden and Dash.

Thank you boys for showing Mommy how to really live in the moment and to just be! I love you!

He said..."Honey, have you seen my shorts?"

As we (Dave and me and the boys) drove home tonight after a long day out at a friend's "New Beginnings" celebration and then to the Sugar Land Town Square to top off the night...I reflected for a moment on my Happy Thought for today and shared it with Dave on the way home to put our little people to bed. As we were holding hands in the Durango, I shared with him that my favorite Happy Thought for the day was when he asked me earlier in the day..."Honey, have you seen my shorts?". And he then asked me why was that my Happy Thought, and I told him that when he asked me that simple question, I remembered the days when I was still single and how I longed for my husband to ask me those types of questions. The question he asked me was a dream come true for me and I thanked him for it. Thank you Dave for being the fullfilment of my dreams come true. You truly are my "Wow God!"...and keep asking me the simple questions. I love you! - Michelle

Hugs For Free - Get and Give a Hug a Day

Another Happy Thought for 5/22/08

Another happy thought for today, there have been so many,...I don't think I can just write one down...so here are a few of my Happy Thoughts....waking up next to my sweet baby boy, Dash, and then being joined by Dave and Caeden for some family snuggle time in bed this moring before we began our day, a kiss from my husband as he went off to "work" and then getting a phone call from him later in the day just to say hi and check in, to Dash wanting to be held a lot or just giving me a big smile when he is sitting in his high chair eating blueberries and then falling asleep in my arms for his morning nap, not getting dressed today until 1:00 p.m., spending a few minutes with my mom talking at the kitchen table or in the bathroom while I'm putting my make-up on, spending a couple of hours with a friend this afternoon helping her create the life and love she is meant to live, to sitting down together at the dinner table for a few minutes to eat a good meal, to testing out a new duck umbrella with Caeden under the neighbor's sprinklers, to taking an evening stroll to the park with Dave and the boys and then coming home and putting them to bed, to lying next to Dash as he falls asleep, to lying next to Caeden reading him a few books before he falls asleep, to sitting next to my husband right now in the office and just being in the same room with him and knowing that I can kiss him just because whenever I want to, to taking a moment to actually write in my blog,...there have been a lot of happy thoughts about my day. Thank you God for the great abundance in my life. Thank you for the breath I breathe and for the life I get to live, I cherish every moment. Until tomorrow...to be continued...

Spiderman says "I love you!"

Wow! I never saw it or realized it, but our 2 1/2 year old, Caeden discovered it today, and boy was it a cool thing for him and for us. Today, Caeden was playing with one of his puzzles, it's a Spiderman puzzle with various pictures of action shots. So, as he was putting it together he saw it, Spiderman was holding up his hand and in sign language saying "I love you!" And he came running to the kitchen to show me. And he was right, Spiderman was saying "I love you!" I showed Dave and we both smiled when we saw the picture. In our "grown-up" way of seeing it, Spiderman was just throwing a spiderweb from his wrists, but to our little person's way of seeing it, he only saw an "I love you!" And, how did he know it was the sign language for "I love you", because we use it all the time in our house and he knows how to do it. He was truly amazed and loved that Spiderman was saying "I love you!", and who knows maybe he really is and is just casting out a web of love. Thanks Spiderman! Thanks Caeden for your discovery. I love you! Love, Mom

My Dash - 1st Birthday

It is written that life is not about the day you were born, or about the day you die, but what you make of the "dash" between those dates...

And in honor of Dash's 1st birthday, I want to reflect on his first year...WOW! What a year!

Let me tell you about my Dash...he was born at 3:27 a.m. on 4/27/07 at 14007 Kathi Lynn Lane, Sugar Land, Texas 77478 in our bedroom...weighing 8 pounds, 5 ounces and 21 inches long. He was born with his Dad's dimples and the blondest hair and bluest of eyes. He was and is a beautiful baby.

My dearest Dash Nicholas on your first year,

It's amazing to see how big you are now, when did you get so big? Where did this past year go? You have the most amazing and infectious grin. Your dimples are absolutely scrumptious. I love everything about you. You are my sweet baby boy! I love you so. Just to think of you I smile.

This past year has been a big year for you, for me and your dad and brother, but this is about you....

Some of your milestones...you already have 8 teeth, and are cutting a bunch of molars at the same time...and you like to bite the back of my legs or my arm or your brother when they are hurting you. We've gotten good and moving quickly when you come at us with your mouth wide open. You've been walking for almost a month now and are doing great! I love to watch you waddle down the hallway. You probably need a haircut, but I haven't had the heart to cut your hair yet because you have the sweetest curls and waves in it. You love being outside and sometimes that's the only thing we can do, is to take you outside, to calm you if you get upset for some reason. I love to watch you walk or crawl through the grass and explore all the nature for the first time. You have such a look of awe and wonder about everything.

I love to watch you interact with your brother, Caeden. You can tell you love him and like to be with him. He loves you too, so much, and he tells you all the time, he says, "I love you baby, so much." and then he hugs and kisses you, and just holds you for the longest of time and tells you again about how much he loves you. When daddy comes in the room you really light up. You love him so much and he loves you so. And when you see your grandmas you always give them a big smile, you mean everything to them.

You can wave bye-bye, and you like to point your finger, you like to clap your hands, and you are an easy tickle and laugh, you can say momma and dadda, and you talk all the time, you are a happy baby, rarely do you get upset unless you get hurt or your brother is laying on top of you and won't get off. You really like to eat frozen organic blueberries. It doesn't matter if you are done with eating everything else, there is always room for blueberries...and then you turn into my little blue boy. You like to chew on almost everything that fits into your mouth and right now you don't like to be in a room that I'm not in. You still sleep with me and daddy every night and you are the sweetest little cuddle-bug. You really love to take a bath and splash in the water....oh so many things you can do now.

It's so fun to just watch you and I love being with you. I love holding you, especially as you fall asleep in my arms or laying next to me when you are nursing. You are your own person, and I delight in you...as does your daddy. Thank you for being in our family, thank you for helping to complete our family. Thank you for teaching me to be a better mom, woman and person. Thank you for your gift of great love. I appreciate and value the moment and space we are in right now this present moment...and because of your greatness, you give me courage to want to have another baby. I love your life and your spirit and all that you are. I accept you as the gift you are in my life, you are a great inspiration to me. Thank you for being my son.

Happy Birthday Dash!

And look out world Dash is on the move!

Love, Mommy

http://www.thedashpoemmovie.com/

My dad's laugh...My happy thought

Happy thoughts...they are those moments in your day where everything stops and you become really present with that very moment and all is well in the world. It's a moment of real awareness, appreciation and joy all wrapped up in one.

So, as I look back over my day and specifically recalling all my happy thoughts, there is one that stands out...It was my dad's laugh on the phone when he and Caeden our 2 year old were having a conversation.

Here is the moment...I was in the kitchen with Caeden and I asked him if he wanted to call his Grampy on the phone and tell him what we are going to do when Grampy comes to visit. He said yes, and in his cute little voice and not so clear pronunciation he also said, "Call Frampy"...so we called "Frampy".

My dad came to the phone and I told him that Caeden wanted to talk with him and tell him all the places we were going to take him when he and his wife Dee come to visit us next month. My dad said, "Alright."

So, Caeden got on the phone and he said, "Hi Frampy," and my dad said "Hello" back to him, and I could hear my Dad's smile through the phone. Then Caeden proceeded to say very excitedly, "Zoo Frampy, Zoo"...and you hear my dad laugh, then Caeden said "Park Frampy, Park" and then "Another Park, Frampy"...and you heard more of my dad laughing, then Caeden said "Beach Frampy, play water, play sand, Frampy" and I heard my dad laughing again. Then my dad said with a smile and a laugh, "Yes, I'm anxious about it too!" Then it was time for us to say goodbye, Caeden had said all that he wanted to say and said "Bye-bye Frampy, I luh (love) Frampy." My dad smiled again and said, "Bye-bye."

That was such a beautiful moment for me just to hear my dad laugh. Wow, and knowing it was a 2 year old little boy who brought much joy to "Frampy."

Keep laughing Dad! I love you and we look forward to seeing you soon and hugging your neck in person...and laughing a lot!

Welcome to Me...and to you

Well, I finally did it! Woo! Hoo! (Sigh) I finally have my own blog site up and running! This has been something I have been wanting to do for a long time and I finally sat down to do it. It also helped that both my boys were napping at the same time, and my husband was on a motorcycle ride, so I had some time for myself.

So, here I am...what do I say...where do I begin...?

Let's start with why I wanted to create this blog site...I think the main reason was I wanted an outlet to express myself, to express all of me and who I am as well as creating an opportunity of discovering more of who I am while writing my thoughts out. I'm doing this first and foremost for me, to be a creative flow...and then I'm also doing it for my boys and for my future children...kind of leaving them a legacy of who and what mom is/was about. I'm really excited I'm here!

So, to all who ever read this site, welcome into my world, into my thoughts, and into my life. It is a great adventure I'm on and I look forward to seeing what shows up for me. Let's go!