This space is about...my life, my loves, my children, my marriage, being real, keeping things simple, gaining clarity, insights, laughing, struggles, my ideas and my happy thoughts for the day...and me being present to the greatness of my life...thus my life's journey...being and doing love.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Meeting My Dad, Dennis



So, it finally came to pass. I met my biological dad, Dennis, on Tuesday, October 14, 2008. All I can say is...Wow! What a day in my life. What an absolutely beautiful day in my life. What a gift and a dream come true!

Here is the background...My dad and my mom dated briefly when they were both stationed in Germany in the Army. They were both young and it was the 60's. So, I'm grateful for their brief and "accidental" pregnancy which became known as me. Out of fear, my dad chose not to be apart of our lives after I was born. (But I want to be clear that there is no judgment on my dad for what he did when he was 21, I too made some poor choices out of fear in my late teens and early 20's...who among us hasn't.) Not too long after I was born my mom and dad lost contact with each other, and we (my mom and me) have been looking for him for since I was 15 years old. My mom raised me and then she married when I was 3 years old and her husband, Bob, legally adopted me and became my dad. Thanks Dad for making me your own and being my dad...you will always and forever be my dad.

But for many years I've always wanted to know about my biological dad and what he was like. There was also just this "wanting" to know him in order to know more about me. So, after searching for years, I finally found him on June 7th, just 2 days before my 40th birthday...and almost a week before Father's Day. What a gift it was for both of us.

Dave made the phone call and low and behold it was really him. I could hardly believe it. I was in shock and elated all at the same time, with many happy tears flowing. It was a great initial phone call/contact and then we got a follow-up email about a month later from his new wife Kathleen that they wanted to fly to Texas to meet me and my family in October. I could hardly believe it. It was more than I had ever hoped for.

So, the day finally arrived, and Dave and I went to the hotel room of my dad and new step-mom Kathleen. I was so nervous and excited, what would it be like to finally meet my dad face-to-face...something I have only thought about for numerous years. Dave knocked on the door and there he was. And we hugged, and stared at each other with delight and awe. He was so warm and tender. I thought I would be crying but I didn't, I was shocked that it didn't become a big "boo-hoo" fest. I guess I did all of that before and got a lot of the hurt out of my system leaving room for only love. So, we all went out to dinner to the Cheesecake Factory and as we walked into the restaurant, my dad put his arm around my waist and we slowly walked inside together...there I was...arm in arm with my dad. All I can say was, WOW! It was the most amazing thing. We all enjoyed getting to know each other over dinner, it was a perfect initial meeting. We all then drove back to their hotel room and looked forward to the next morning when they would come over and meet the boys.

So, Wednesday morning came and they met the boys and they thought they were beautiful, we shared some photos and showed them our home. Then later that afternoon Dennis and I got our alone time. We went to a park and sat under the pavilion as it rained on and off and talked for about 2 1/2 hours. I got to share all that I ever wanted to share with him about my life. It was beautiful getting to know my dad and hearing and accepting and loving all of him. I thanked him for my life and also shared that he too was a part of how I "turned out" regardless of him not being physically present in my life. My journey and my life was beautiful and perfect...even the hard times and pain. After we were done talking he drove me back to the house and walked me inside to meet my mother-in-law Doris, but before we unlocked the front door to enter the house, I turned around and just hugged him and we hugged for the longest time and I cried and told him how much I loved him and he just hugged me back and kissed my cheek several times. What a precious moment I will forever treasure.

The next day we, Dave and I, joined them for breakfast and then they came over that afternoon to meet my mom, Jan. We (Dennis, Kathleen, my mom and me, and the boys) all sat on the back porch and talked for about 2 hours just enjoying getting to know each other and watching the boys play in the backyard. It was a beautiful moment in my life to actually have my mom and my dad sitting down talking to one another. Something they haven't done in over 40 years. It felt so natural and normal. What a gift the two of them gave each other and gave me. One of the other greatest moments was when Dennis got up to "pitch" a ball for Caeden to hit. That was very special. It was also, just the coolest thing getting to know more about my dad and his wife Kathleen. It was a very relaxed and sweet afternoon.

Then came Caeden's 3 year birthday party. They were there the entire time and seemed to enjoy themselves, and just watching Caeden play and enjoy his party. I remember looking up at my dad when Caeden was opening his presents and my dad was just watching me and Caeden. It was the coolest thing having him there, I so longed for him to be at one of my parties growing up. It was a huge gift to have him there for me and for Caeden. All I can say was...Wow! After all the guests left, we gave Caeden his Diego Bicycle that came from all of the grandparents and he hugged and thanked them all for it. We then took our first family photo with my dad and Kathleen.

Later that afternoon, they came over to say their goodbyes to the boys and me and Dave. Then that evening I went to their hotel room to bring my dad the photo album that I had made for him and a copy of the family photo we just took in a home-made picture frame that Caeden and I made. We sat in their room just talking for a little while and then my dad walked me downstairs to say good bye. We hugged and my eyes teared, he kissed my cheek and said I love you too. I got back in the Durango and drove home to my family and kissed my boys.

It was all so perfect, we only had a few little hiccups, and once I/we all surrendered our expectations it went even better. The amount of time was perfect, it was a perfect first initial visit, and they were awesome! The week was very real and very sureal for me. I see myself in him in some ways, and it was interesting to listen to and just watch him. It was fun finding out that I'm part Croatian and hearing about my relatives that I've never met. It was neat finding out that I have my dad's hands and nose and maybe even his ears. All of it was perfect and fun. Thank you God for the perfect timing of meeting my dad. What a gift!

My view and perspective of my life since his visit is how grateful I am for all of my journey and how I was raised and the ups and downs of my life. I'm grateful for my mom, Jan who was and is the best mom there could ever be and to my dad, Bob, thank you for all that you gave me in my life. You are so special and dear to me.

There is only forgiveness, love and acceptance for my biological dad, Dennis. I'm so grateful for him. We plan on keeping in contact and plan on future visits...so until next time. Thank you to you both (Dennis & Kathleen) for helping contribute to Caeden's 1st bike. Thank you Kathleen for loving my dad so beautifully...and thank you for the beautiful necklace you gave me, I will cherish it. What a gift you are to him and to our family. Thank you Dennis, my new dad, for the gift of you and your life! It meant the world to me that you made this trip to meet me and my/your family...and I love you! Your daughter, Michelle

Caeden's New Bike




So here is our little man, Caeden, who is now 3 years old on his first ever bike ride! Go Caeden, Go! We love you!

Our First Family Bike Ride

Our first family bike ride just happened 3 nights ago and I've been wanting to write about it even since, so here it is. All I can say was that it was truly AMAZING! And how it all happened too was incredible. As of 2 weeks ago, only Dave had a bike that has been hanging upside down in our garage for almost five years, but Caeden got a really cool Diego bike for his birthday (thanks to all the grandparents), then we got a bike trailer from a neighborhood garage sale for only $3 which needed a new axle and Dave fixed it for only $8 and then a client/friend of Dave's gave him a bike to give to me (Thanks Susan!). And then...Voila! We all have two wheeled transportation!

So, the other evening, Dave worked on all the bikes, putting air in the tires and making sure all the brakes worked good and we just got some new free helmets for the boys at an outdoor fall festival the previous Saturday and we were ready to go. So, we all mounted our bikes and strapped Dash (18 months old) in the bike trailer with his little helmet on and we were off. All, I could say was "Wow! This is so awesome! We're on our first family bike ride!" It was incredible watching Caeden peddle his bike all the way to the duck park and seeing how well he did...and this was only his 3rd time really riding it. He did an amazing job and wanted to race us and be the first one to the park. Of course he won! Go Caed! And then Dash looked so sweet in the bike trailer behind Dave and looked like he really enjoyed his ride, what a sweet boy! I think what was so amazing about this whole event that caught me off guard was the fact that I was riding bicycles with "my family"...my complete family including Dave the daddy, me the mommy and our boys. I didn't ever have that as a child growing up. Now mind you, my mom was great in taking us on bike trips, and we enjoyed them but my dad never joined us, it was always just the 3 of us, and to now experience a "whole" complete family doing something fun together was so beautiful and so foreign to me. But it was "my family"...all I can say is Wow! What a gift!

And also it was amazing that our boy Caeden who "just turned" 3 years old was riding a bicycle and wanted to race me to the park...that too was mind boggling. So, to my precious sweet boys and husband, THANK YOU! I love you all sooooo much! And I look forward to riding together for many years! Thank you God for this moment! I will forever treasure it.

Intentionally Loving Myself

So here I am again today, finally journaling again...or blogging, whatever you want to call it. I've been wanting to comeback and sit and just blog and write, I've read other women's blogsites when I get that stolen moment alone in the office to browse at my leisure, but I haven't made space to come and sit intentionally until now. So, my question to myself is "Why don't you do what you know is good for your heart and just love yourself?" That's the million dollar question. Why is it so damn difficult for me just to sit and be with my thoughts and nourish myself, and journal and write. I'm reminded of a passage in a book I pick up every now and then called "Simple Abundance - A daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, where she says (I'm completely paraphrasing) loving your self does not come naturally. And I guess that does ring true for me as well. It is so much easier taking care of everyone else's needs rather than my own, especially if you(I) have been a people pleaser my whole life. So, I say all that to say...just get over yourself Michelle. Accept what it is and get over it and simply love yourself. Accept and love yourself when you blow it that day and accept and love yourself when you take a deep breath and sit down and do something that is kind and loving to/for yourself. It's all in the journey, it's all just suppose to be in this journey called life, and I am on a path of great discovery and it is becoming so beautiful each and every new day. I love ME! I've been intentionally telling myself "I love you Michelle! You Rock! You are an amazing woman! You are so Loved by God and others! You are/I am important! I am important to GOD!" Wow! just to say all that is a relief, especially because I do believe it! There is so much power in loving myself. So, today, I'm loving myself and journaling, and I'm thanking God for this moment and being very present to it and to me. What a gift, to love myself. How much more powerful will it be when I really get it and walk in it every moment of my day and life....but one moment at a time...and this moment is powerful and loving all at the same time. I love you Michelle...Thank you for this journey.