Intentionally Loving Myself

So here I am again today, finally journaling again...or blogging, whatever you want to call it. I've been wanting to comeback and sit and just blog and write, I've read other women's blogsites when I get that stolen moment alone in the office to browse at my leisure, but I haven't made space to come and sit intentionally until now. So, my question to myself is "Why don't you do what you know is good for your heart and just love yourself?" That's the million dollar question. Why is it so damn difficult for me just to sit and be with my thoughts and nourish myself, and journal and write. I'm reminded of a passage in a book I pick up every now and then called "Simple Abundance - A daybook of Comfort and Joy" by Sarah Ban Breathnach, where she says (I'm completely paraphrasing) loving your self does not come naturally. And I guess that does ring true for me as well. It is so much easier taking care of everyone else's needs rather than my own, especially if you(I) have been a people pleaser my whole life. So, I say all that to say...just get over yourself Michelle. Accept what it is and get over it and simply love yourself. Accept and love yourself when you blow it that day and accept and love yourself when you take a deep breath and sit down and do something that is kind and loving to/for yourself. It's all in the journey, it's all just suppose to be in this journey called life, and I am on a path of great discovery and it is becoming so beautiful each and every new day. I love ME! I've been intentionally telling myself "I love you Michelle! You Rock! You are an amazing woman! You are so Loved by God and others! You are/I am important! I am important to GOD!" Wow! just to say all that is a relief, especially because I do believe it! There is so much power in loving myself. So, today, I'm loving myself and journaling, and I'm thanking God for this moment and being very present to it and to me. What a gift, to love myself. How much more powerful will it be when I really get it and walk in it every moment of my day and life....but one moment at a time...and this moment is powerful and loving all at the same time. I love you Michelle...Thank you for this journey.

Being Present with the Moment Brings Me Peace

So...I'm not pregnant this month...hmmm....I was convinced I was pregnant and very shocked when I took the pregnancy test and it said "not pregnant"....then I thought, well maybe it's too soon, afterall, my period is due today...I will try again in a couple of days if my period doesn't show up, well....I took another test and it also said, "not pregnant"....hmmm...I guess I'm not pregnant, then my period arrived later that day.

I'm writing this one out because I don't want to forget this, I was very surprised by my feelings of actually "being relieved" that we weren't pregnant yet, though we are "actively" and "intentionally" trying to get pregnant...what's up with that?

So, I thought about it and I realized that I just really desired to be with my two boys, Caeden and Dash, for the moment and maybe a little while longer and to really be present with them and just enjoy them.

Also, part of my thinking of getting pregnant with our next child, baby number three, was the fact that we "plan" on adopting our fourth and fifth child after we have our third. So, in my head I was already on baby number four (hopefully a little girl from China), while I wasn't even yet pregnant with number three, it's like I skipped being present with number three hurrying to get to number four, and I was already trying to figure out where everyone was going to sleep, and how I better figure out how to get organized before baby number three arrives, let alone four and five or I'm sunk and I'm already getting a little overwhelmed. Sheesh! My self-induced insanity is exhausting to say the least.

Wow! I realized that I was so not living in the moment for NOW. Somewhere I just decided to run ahead in my head and hurry up and "work" my plan, especially because I'm getting older and we don't want to wait "too" long. (I'll be 40 next Monday...like that's some magical number.)

So, my feelings of relief were very welcome to my mind and brought much needed peace, they brought me back to the present moment of just "being" with where I am and breathing and letting go of my "plan". Whether we have more children or not, I'm truly grateful for where I am, we are, today. I am so RICH! I have two BEAUTIFUL boys with whom I'm deeply in love with and they are more than enough! And the other children will come when they are suppose to, but for right now I'm at peace and truly savoring absolutely every moment with Caeden and Dash.

Thank you boys for showing Mommy how to really live in the moment and to just be! I love you!